How To Advertise for a New Mate

Of course you would get lots of takers! Your phone would be ringing! It would take you months to review all the applications!

Now, take a pencil and cross out all of the things in the above ad that is not true about you.

Now, ladies, read the ad with the things all crossed out that are not true about you. As corrected, does your ad seem true about you? Ask yourself if your ad would bring in as many responses as the original ad. If you have crossed out a lot of things, you probably need to build your character so that you can have a good relationship and attract a person of good character. You have heard that birds of a feather flock together. If you need to build character, read on.

Are you Separated? Do you want a good woman or man? Do you want your old mate back?

A.           Women, if you could have any man you wanted who would you choose? By the looks of things, many a woman will "grab the first male that's available." Would you look for positive traits? Would you require him to have all of the following positive traits?

1.  Smart

2. Generous with you.

3.  Sense of humor.

4.  Loves God.

5.  Good appearance

6. Good job

7. Good provider

8. Honest

9. Good habits

10. Has a nice car

11. Keeps his payments up

12. Good credit.

13. Good lover.

B.         How many of the following negative traits would you let him have?

1. Over drinks.

2. Lies.

3. Cheats.

4.  Hits

5.  Swears

6. Spendthrift

7. Selfish.

8. Doesn't like kids

9. Doesn't like sex

10.  Impulsive.

11. Hot tempered

12. Loud mouthed.

C.        Men, if you could have any woman you wanted who would you choose? Would she have to be a woman of character? Would you require that she had positive character traits? Would you want her to have all of the following positive traits?

1. Smart

2. Generous with you

3. Sense of humor

4. Loves God

5. Good appearance

6. Good job

7. Honest

8. Good habits.

9. Has a nice car

10. Keeps her payments up

11. Good credit

12. Good lover

D.        How many of the following negative traits would you let her have?

1. Over drinks.

2. Lies.

3. Cheats

4. Flirts.

5. Swears.

6. Spendthrift

7. Selfish

8. Doesn't like kids

9. Doesn't like sex

10. Impulsive

11. Hot tempered.

12. Loud mouthed.

II.         Trade offs. It is obvious that a person with all of the above positive character traits would be hard to find. Maybe you would need to do a little trade off. Maybe you would need to accept some of the bad character traits and not be so strict on the good character traits. How many bad qualities are you willing to take in order to get or keep a spouse who had some good qualities? Ladies:

• If you had a good provider who loved the kids and was good in bed, would you allow him to be an alcoholic? What if he let you handle all the  the money as a bonus?

• What about a good provider who loved the kids and was good in bed, would you allow him to hit you once in a while, and always felt bad about it. What if he let you handle the money and pretty much let you run everything?

III.         Men, what trade offs would you do to keep a wife?

• Would you allow you wife to be an alcoholic who lies to you a lot if she had a terrific body, was good in bed, and let you do just about like you please?

  •  A man I know in his seventies lives in Alaska. About five years ago he went to the Philippines and came back with a fifteen year old wife. About a year later he caught her in bed with his nephew. He "threw her ass out." She had learned about America in that short year. She got a lawyer and that year cost him $10,000 plus attorney fees to get rid of the young lady. What did he do? He went back and married the younger sister who had just turned fifteen. I asked him, "What are you going to do if this one cheats on you?" "Nothing," he replied. "As long as I'm getting mine. (Meaning sex) I won't kick her out." His trade off was simple.

• Would you allow your wife to bed your nephew if she took care of your sexual needs? What if she begged forgiveness and promised never to do it again? What if you loved her she loved to snuggle with you?

•   Would you allow your wife to verbally abuse you as long as she didn't do it often and if she always apologized later? That is so long as she continued to be a good mother, and as long as she let you work on your hobbies.

1.                     Ladies: List the positive traits your mate must have.

I'

2.                     Ladies: List the negative traits your man might have if he had enough of the positive traits above listed.

3.                     Gentlemen: List the positive traits your woman must have.

            4.         Gentlemen: List the negative traits she might have if she had enough of the positive traits above listed.

D.         All marriages have some trade offs. Isn't that what mother said?

1.          "Mother told me men would be like that."

a.                     Phrases like this suggest that women have accepted trade offs.

b.                     The question is what positive things must a woman have if she is going to accept or permit a man's negative things?

(1)    For instance: I know a woman who is married to a very negative man. She accepts this man's "negativism about everything" because he is a good  provider and a good father who lets her control the spending.  He is so negative that he is a pain to be around.  She has made a trade off.

(a)        She has accepted less than best in character as long as she can be boss of the money.  This is the situation of many women.

2. A NOTE ON THE CONTROL OF MONEY

a.                   Most alcoholics let the other spouse control the money. The number one in the life of some people is the drinking, not the money. A drunk will let you manage the money as long as you don't interfere with their drinking. If, however, you don't give them enough to drink, then they will get mean and figure out a way to get money to drink.

b.                  If you have a severe character flaw, and wish to keep your character flaw. You might consider letting your spouse have control of the money and major decisions. This will force them to accept this as a trade off, or kick you out. If you go, the money control goes too. They might take mother's advice and say, "That is the way men are."

(1)                 Works for thousands of alcoholics.

(2)                 Works for wife beaters.

(3)                 Works for men who use prostitutes.

  (4)        Works for men who don't take baths often.

3.         'Women, can't live with them, can't live without them."

a.                     Phrases like this suggest that men have accepted trade offs.

b.                     The question is, what positive things must a man have if he is going to accept or permit your negative things?

(1)         For instance: I know a man who lets his wife be a spendthrift of sorts because she is a good mother to the kids and because she is wonderful in bed, and because she lets him have his hobbies.

E.         Problem: "If  I wait for the perfect mate. I will never have a mate because there is no one who is perfect."

1.        Most people who select a mate know that the mate is not perfect. But they rationalize that things will be all right because:

a.         They are in love, and love will prevail.

(1)               We all know that this isn't true. Never was. Never will be. Love will grow over time if it has a good environment to work in, but the early infatuation and lust, which we mistake for love, will fade.

(2)               If our love for each other grows, it will be because we respect the character and commitment of the other person. It will grow because you have the same goals for the family. It will grow because you can trust your mate to always do what is right.

b.          They feel that they can change the person.

(1)        Common sense says that people can only change themselves. We cannot change them or force them to change.

(a)                  We all resist change.

(b)                 We must have a motive to change.

(c)                  Most motivation comes from a religious experience.

(d)                 Some motivation can come through distasteful experiences.

i)                       Such as punishment for our wrong actions.

ii)                     Sometimes in the case of alcoholism, abusive behavior and such, the legal system helps people to change.

iii)         If the behavior is not illegal, but is distasteful to the spouse has the choice of

a)                  Taking on the task of punishment.

 

b)                  Ignoring the bad behavior.

c)                  Becoming bitter inside.

d)                  Leaving and starting new

(c).           They underestimated the character problem.

(1)                  For instance, during dating, going to a lot of parties might seem like a lot of fun.

Drinking might seem like a lot of fun before marriage. The spouse might think that when the marriage begins, the drinking and partying will not be a problem. When married, some spouses are shocked that the problem continues.

(2)                  Also, when dating a bad temper might be seen, but not recognized as a huge problem. A suitor might think that a girl is cute when she is angry. A husband might see it differently.

(3)                  One lady had to always get her way. Her boyfriend thought it was part of the dating game to give in. Go where she liked to go. Eat what she liked to eat. Go with friends she~ wanted to go with. He didn't mind getting led around while dating. He was doing what he had to do to get a wife. When married, her selfishness led to may fights. He was pretty easy going, but her character problem finally caused him to leave her. He had underestimated his ability to deal with her character problem.

F.         Should marriage then be a contract?

a.         Should marriage be an agreement for two imperfect people to raise the children without being themselves perfect, but agreeing to certain principles whose lines must never be crossed.

(1)        For instance: In the positive principles that must always be done could read:

(a)                  Fidelity

(b)                  Providing.

(c)                  Loving.

(2)        For instance: In the negative principles that must never be done could read:

(a)                  Alcoholism

(b)                  Physical violence.

(c)                  Uncontrolled anger.

(d)                  Swearing.

(e)                  Substance abuse.

(f)                    Sexual infidelity.

G.         Marriage-.is a contract, certainly. In the "eyes of the legal system it is a contract between a man and a woman. But it is more than that. It is a contract with God, parents, relatives, children, community, church, schools, other parents, and the list goes on.

(1)        For instance, a married person is expected to conduct himself well in his community because of his marriage contract.  All who live near him or have anything to do with him demand it.  These people, though only peripherally connected to the marriage are none the less affected by how good the marriage is.  Here is a partial list of people and organizations that can benefit, or be hurt by how good my marriage is.

(a)                My neighbors.

i)          They see that I have children about the ages of theirs.

They expect good conduct. If I have wild parties instead and allow my children to roam the neighborhood, they are affected by my marriage contract.

(b)               My relatives

i)          Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, in laws etc. They all feel the brunt of my commitment.

                         (c)                  My children.

i)          Affected by every move I make, especially if I do not honor my marriage contract

(d)                  The schools my children go to.

                    i)           My children carry my marriage problems into their attitudes and therefore into the classroom and to their teachers.

(e)                  My church.

i)           My church is judged by how many hypocrites go there. If I dishonor my marriage vows, I bring shame to the church. I was talking to a pastor friend the other day. He said, "I like to do funerals better than weddings." "Why?" I asked. "At least when I bury them they stay dead," was his reply. We had a good laugh, but if you think it is hard to go around your family with a new spouse, try going to your church with the new person under arm

.

(f)                    My place of employment.

i)           Marriage problems is a major cause of the employer not getting maximum production from his workers. Your employer hopes you will honor your marriage vows.

(g)                  My close friends.

i)          They accept you and your spouse as one. They even put your two names together when they talk of you. It is "Jim and Claudine," "Joe and Karen," Harold and Lynn."  Their children know you by those combinations. If you don't make it you have failed them and their children.

(h)         God.

i)                    God wants marriages to work. God hates it when people split up. God has provided us with plenty of "helps" for our marriages.

ii)                   God provided a helpmeet for Adam.

iii)                 Jesus honored marriages by his presence.

iv)                 Jesus spoke out against putting a spouse away.

v)                  The apostles supported life long marriages with much love and total commitment in them.

(3)                  This is why people make a vow not only to the spouse, but to their God as well.

(4)                  If I fail in my marital contract, it will upset a lot of people.  Therefore the contract may seem to be bi bi-lateral, but indeed it is multilateral.

IV.       Why did they leave? Why did you leave? You know of course. Your mate knows of course. This is just a starting point. This just gives you an idea of some character flaws one or both of you need to work on. Here are some of the given reasons.

1.          Something you did. Something they did.

a.         Was there a "straw that broke the camel's back?" If there was, then fixing that will not solve the problem. Let us say that the "straw that broke the camels back" was your mate getting a drunk driving ticket. A drinking problem is really a character problem. A drinking problem is a lack of commitment problem. A drinking problem is an honesty problem. Generally there is more to be fixed than one problem.

2.          Another person in picture.

a.                     This is a character, commitment and honesty problem too. When we delude ourselves into thinking that a new person will solve our problems, we are saying that the character problem was our mate's problem, not ours. We are saying that our mate is of bad character and that the new person is of better character.

 

b.                     We are sinning against our mate, demonstrating bad character and lack of commitment ourselves, then rationalizing that it is all right because our mate was not of as good of character as the new person. Talk about confused! Lets see if I heard that right"

 

 (1)         "I don't like your character, dear, so I am changing mates. I know you might think that this shows bad character on my part and on the part of the other woman, but under hard situations like this we can't have good character and accomplish what we need to accomplish.^" "In other words, I think I can have good character with this other person, but we all have to have a little bad character (at least with you) (and with all your relatives, and with our friends, and with our bosses, and at our churches and with our children) for a while so I can get my life straightened up, then I will have good character and so will my new love. Actually, both I and my new love seem to be of good character except for this adultery and lying and deceiving deal, but that is only temporary and we will soon be back to good character. You know that I am basically a good person. So is my new love a good person. We will be back on good character after I get rid of you."

3.             Fell out of love?

a.         This phrase is often used by a mate who has found another. When a person tells me they have fallen out of love with their mate, I generally ask, "Who is the new person?'

b.                  This reason simply means that the "feeling of love" has gone and that the couple needs to work on their marriage. The things they need to work on fall under the heading of "building character and commitment.^"

c.                   The feeling of love is something God gave us to help us select a mate so that we could start nesting and get down to the business of building a home. Building a home does not require us being constantly in love, but it does require us to have honesty, good character and morals and commitment to building a nest.

   4.       Substance abuse.

a.                     Substance abuse is very difficult to deal with. In most cases help must come from the outside as well as the inside. In other words, besides the desire to stop abusing substances, there needs to be group help such as Alcoholics Anonymous or some of the religious drug diversion programs.

b.                     Substance abuse will kill any marriage, no matter how committed the spouses are. If you have to have some substance every day, then you will not be able to stay married very long. You are trading your nest for a substance that is not needed in your life. If you go to skid row, nearly all the drunks have been married. Their marriages couldn't hold up with substance abuse in them.

   5.       Argue too much.

a.         Few marital problems are solved by argument. If your spouse won't change with your loving encouragement, she probably won't change if you argue about it. An argument means that the problem is seen differently by the two of you. It also means that both of you are willing to fight for your side. If you argue a lot, it may mean that you think the other is dumb. Or it may mean that one of you is just selfish. It definitely means that one or both of you would rather fight than solve the problem. The problem probably lies in both of you needing to work on character.

   6.         Blame too much.

a.               Many fights in marriages are hurt by arguments over who is to blame. Blaming does not solve the  problem. When my wife starts blaming, I say: "What's the solution? It is not important who gets the blame, but it is important that a solution is found." For instance:

(1)                  You blame me for our marriage falling apart. "OK, so I'm at fault, so how can we fix our marriage?"

(2)                  You blame me for the way the kids act. "OK, so I'm at fault, so how can we get the kids back on track?"

(3)                  You blame me for not being affectionate. "OK, so I'm at fault, so how can I become more affectionate?"

(4)                  You blame me for our financial situation. "OK, so I'm at fault, so_, how can we get our finances straightened out?"

b.         Marriages that split have plenty of blame to go around. Probably both are right. Probably both are to blame. Ask yourself what percentage of the blame you should take. After you get the percentages, ask yourself how to fix the problem. If you do this, your marriage may survive.

7.          Can't forget betrayal.

a.                   Forgiving infidelity is among the hardest things to handle in a marriage. If you have betrayed your mate, you will have to demonstrate honest repentance.

 

b.         You will have to ask forgiveness about a million times. This is because the thought of that betrayal will pop up in the mind of the offended partner for years. If you were the offender, you will have to help them deal with it. Let me tell you about my old friend:

(1)        My friend had a little farm on which he sold goat meat. His little farm was on the highway up the canyon where men would travel to go deer hunting. He also dressed out deer meat for the hunters. For hunters that "didn't get their deer," they could buy some goat meat from my friend and tell all their friends they "got their deer." (Aren't men deceiving?) He began going a few miles down the river to have sex with another man's wife. They got caught. He repented. It was not hard, the child support on seven children would have been terrible. He begged forgiveness and was allowed to resume his marriage. He never went to see the other lady again. But it never ended there because he had to help his wife to heal. He had to help her gain trust in him. Every time he would want to leave the farm, she would ask him where he was going. If he stayed too long she would question him. At odd times she would accuse him of thinking about the other woman. He couldn't figure it out but he had to help her. Fortunately, he had patience with her. Her learned just to hold her and say over and over again, "I'm sorry." He vowed to her that he would never lie to her again and he meant it. But her doubts went on and on and on. Sometimes she would wake up at night angry and hurt, crying, yelling, and beating the pillow. He would just hold her and say, "I'm sorry.^" Ten years after the affair she still hurt at times. I asked him if it was better. He said "Yes, it's a lot better, but she still hurts over it once in a while." He was able to save his marriage because he really did love his wife and family, and he knew he had done wrong, and he took time to comfort his wife. This is typical of the pain that infidelity causes.

a.           It is said that when God forgives, He also forgets. We humans are not good at this. We tend to say we are forgiving our mate's transgression, but we don't forget. This is proven by the fact that we bring up the transgression again as soon as we get in a fight. We have to learn to "move on." Even if we don't forget the sin against us, we need to fix it, then move on. For instance:

(1) Your mate overspends, causing you to have to take a second job to pay for it. He knew not to overspend, but he just had to have that new car. Now your family will be in a tight for four years. Repent, fix it, don't do it again, move on.

(2)                  Your mate insults you in front of company. He tells them you are overweight because you eat all the time and lie to yourself. Everybody laughs at his insults toward you. Argue it out, put a stop to it, make him repent and promise never to do it again, then move on.

(3)                  Your mate lies to you about what things cost. An example is that she tells you that the $89.00 dress she bought was on sale for $20.00. She does it with everything she buys. You find the bills and raise hell. Fix it and move on.

9.          The person is a manipulator.

a.         In a relationship there will always be one who can out manipulate the other.

 

(1)                  This can work if the most powerful manipulator wants what is best for the family.

(2)                  If the manipulator is selfish and cunning, that person will use manipulation to get his way. If the manipulator is selfish, it will cause resentment by the other person.

(3)                  I once told a man that he and his wife should learn to talk things out. "Hell, I can't talk to her," was his answer. "If I talk to her, she turns everything around. I have tried to talk to her, but I might as well be talking to the wall

(a)        When they came in for counseling. I found her to be very strong. She felt her task was to get me, the

counselor, on her side. She felt she was right and never backed down. As we ended our only session, the man said: "See how she does preacher, she is always right." "You can't be manipulated if you refuse to be manipulated," I told him. Their marriage didn't make it. There were  other problems too, but the golden rule could have helped a little bit.

a.         Raising a family is a lot of responsibility. It becomes more than some people can handle.

(1)                  Some escape by working all the time.

(2)                  Some escape by hiring baby sitters.         

(3)                  Some escape by turning it over to the other mate.

(4)                  Some escape by leaving.

11.      Mental or Psychological problems

12.      Emotional problems

a.                     Some people just don't communicate well.

b.                     Some people won't communicate out of stubbornness.

c.                     Some people won't communicate with a person who can out argue them.

14.         Other

A.          List changes your spouse would want you to make in order to reconcile?

1.

2

3

4

5

      Are you willing to make changes?

a.                     When?

b.                     Why?

c.                     How?

       What changes are you not willing to make?

a.           Why?

B.         List the changes you would demand of your spouse before you reconciled.

1.          Is your spouse willing to make changes?

a.                        When?

b.                       Why?

c.                        How?

2.          What changes is your spouse not willing to make?

a.           Why?

C.          How your ex wife will want things to go for you if you don't get back together.

1.                     She wants you to fail.

2.                     She wants you to get worse about the things she doesn't like about you.

3.                     She wants to be able to tell all your friends that you turned into a bum, and that she saw it coming and got out in time.

D.        How your ex-husband will want things to go for you if you don't get back together:

1.                     He will want you to find another fellow, then act the same and end up divorced again.

2.                     He will like to tell his friends that it is a good thing he got rid of you.

V         Building yourself up for your next marriage or for a reconciliation.

A.        Why you need to change.

1.                     You need to become a better person so that you can get along with this spouse or a new spouse.

2.                     You will need to be better to attract a new spouse.

3          You need to become a better person so that you can be a better parent.

B.           Why it will be hard to change.

1.                     We like ourselves like we are.

2.                     We prefer that the other people change to fit our patterns and habits.

3.                     We resist change with a passion.

a.           We seldom change without pressure from:

(1)                  Family

(2)                  Friends.

(3)                  Employer.

(4)                  God.

(5)                  Spouse.

(6)                  Ourselves. (Desiring to be a better person).

C.          What areas do you need to change? Do you need to become a better person in any of the following areas?

1.                  Character

2.                  Appearance

3.                  Habits

4.                  Attitudes

5.                  Religious commitment

6.                  Honesty.

7.                  Marital commitment.

8.                  Be more loving.

9.                  Set aside selfishness

10.              Accepting responsibility

11.              Impetuosity

12.              Frugality.

D.        Things men or women can do to build character.

1.                     Believe that you can change.

2.                     Believe that you must change.

3.                     Be willing to change.

4.                     Belong to groups that build character and help each other, such as Churches or Alcoholics Anonymous.

5.                     Believe in a religion that believes you can change.

a.                     Most character change comes about due to religious commitment.

b.                     Sermons and Sunday School lessons admonish us to have good character.

c.                     Having fellow church members to talk to and be accountable to will help us to build better character.

(1)                  Attend services at least three times a week at your house of worship.

(2)                  Study deeply in your religion.

(3)                  Read books that instruct you in good character, such as the Bible, or other books which teach morals and good character..

(4)                  Make a commitment to your religion.

Ten Things To Do To Build (Or Rebuild) Your Life

1. Make God Number One in Your Life

Making God Number One is something you should have done a long time ago. It is one of the oldest religious commandments. Yet it is something that many do not understand. There are many who understand the words, but they do not understand how to actually make God number one in their lives. Neither do they understand that making God number one will be to their advantage.

Many years ago, I asked an acquaintance who was having trouble in his marriage to write down the things that he loved most in life. I asked him to write down ten things that he loved. He did not think he loved ten things at first, so I had to prompt him.

He said, at first, "I love my family." "Good," I replied, "But a little vague."

"I love my three children." He then stated,

"And I love my wife, I think."

"Put them down by names," I told him and he did.

He then couldn't think of anything else he loved. I had to get nosy. "What do you do in your spare time?" I asked.

"I fly my airplane every time I get a chance," was his first answer. "That's good," I replied, "Write that you love your airplane and tell me more of the things you do in your spare time."

"I don't really love all this stuff," He told me as he also wrote down "watching sports on TV" and "camping with the kids,"  "I like it but I don't love it." "How about things you talk about a lot.," I prodded.

"Airplanes," He said, "But I have already written that down."

"Nothing else?" I asked, looking as though I didn't believe him.

He thought for a while, and then replied, "I talk about engines with my friends who know racing, but I don't love engines."

"How long do you talk a week?" I asked.

"Not much," He replied.

"How much time does your wife think you talk about engines?" I asked him.

"Too Much, I guess, because my friends call me at home, and she doesn't like it."

"Write it down!" I was getting bossy, but he was getting the idea. When he got through, his list looked like this.

·                    Robert Jr. (His son).

•.         Steven (Another son).

·                    Glenda (The baby daughter).

·                    Shirley (Wife).

·                    Airplanes

·                       Sports

·                       Racing engines

·                       Eating (He was fat)

·                      Having a barbeque and a few beers.

·                       Sleeping in on days off.

"That's a good list," I told him.

"I won't have to give up my hobbies, I hope," He said. He knew I was a preacher and suspected I had other motives.

"Not just yet," I laughed. He laughed too.

"Do me a favor though, and put this list in order of the things you love most."

"Put the one you love most at the top, and the one you love least at the bottom and sort the rest according to how much you love them."

"This is a lot of work," He complained.

"Do it!" I said, knowing he could refuse, but he didn't.

"I can't choose between my children." "Children, one through three that's OK,." I said.  "Wife comes next," he blurted out.

"Are you sure?"

"No." We laughed a lot on that one.

When we got through, his list looked like this:

·                      Robert Jr..

·                      Steven.

·                      Glenda.

·                      Shirley.

·                      Eating

·                      Airplanes

·                      Racing engines

·                      Sports

·                      Having a barbeque and a few beers.

·                      Sleeping in on days off

"Did you forget anything?"

"I don't think so."

"Think." He thought for about a minute.

"Shit! I forgot to put my mother down." "Excuse the language," he quickly apologized.

"Where will you put her?" I asked.

"After my children, but before my wife," he replied. "But that makes eleven things that I love. Do I have to take one off?"

"You say you love all three of your children equally. Lets change your list a little. Lets just put down your three children as the number one item. Then lets put your mother second, and your wife third. That will leave you with only nine things on your list. Is there one more thing that you love? What do you want to put down for a tenth thing?" I asked.

I was pushing him to add something else to his list. His list now looked like this:

·                       Three Children

·                       Mother.

·                       Wife.

·                       Eating

·                       Airplanes

·                      Racing engines .

  ·                       Sports

·                       Having a barbeque and a few beers.

·                       Sleeping in on days off.

He struggled out loud. "My dad is dead. My uncles and aunts I don't like. I have no other hobbies. Hell, I don't know, Preacher."

"I thought you might want to write `God' down." I mentioned. "Do you love God?"

"Everybody loves God," He said. "I thought you wanted other things." "Put him down, then put everything in order again," I told him. "Gods number one," He said. "Hell yes, God is number one." His list then looked like this:

·                       God

·                       Three Children

·                       Mother.

·                       Wife.

·                       Eating

·                      Airplanes .

·                       Sports

·                      Racing engines

·                      Having a barbeque and a few beers.

·                      Sleeping in on days off.

"That's a pretty good list," I told him. "Now, lets ask where you spend the most time in a week, the most hours."

"Out of all ten?" He asked. "Eating, and you can tell this by my weight." We laughed.

"What else? What else takes your time?"

"Next comes Sports, I guess. I watch a lot of Sports on TV."

"What's next?" I said. He could see that I was making a new list. "Talking racing engines, then flying my airplane. We don't have many barbeques, and I seldom get to sleep in on my days off."

"How much time do you spend with your children."

"Not much."

"Your wife?"

"Not much. Could that be our problem?"

"How about with God?"

"I pray sometimes.^"

"How much?"

"Not very much."

"Here is how your list should have looked," I told him, as I handed him the list I had penciled out for him. "The things you love most are the things you spend the most time with. According to the amount of time spent with the things you love, you love eating the most, and God the least." This is the list I showed him:

·                       Eating

·                       Sports

·                       Racing engines

·                       Airplanes

·                       Three Children

 

·                       Mother.

 

·                      Wife.

 

.·                    Having a barbeque and a few beers.

·                      Sleeping in on days off.

·                      God

"That's a bunch of shit." He said.

"I think my list is the most accurate." I said. "Which list would your wife say is more accurate?"

"She would agree with you. She says that I put her and the kids in second place."

"Why do you put God in last place?" I asked him.

"I didn't think I did," he answered. "But I guess I don't give Him much time, do I?"

"Why don't you give Him any time?" I queried.

"We are not a religious family."

"What if I could prove to you that putting God in number one place will make you a better husband, and would cause you to love your wife and children more?"

"Preacher, we are not a religious family."

"Think about it." were my last words to him. A couple of years later, his wife left him moving out of town. There she filed for divorce and got custody of the children. He lost his family and children. I didn't think he was a bad man. He seemed like an average husband. He worked hard. Brought his money home. But he never put God first. He never made God number one. His wife thought he didn't even make her number one.

The Bible is clear on how to make God number one. You give your life to Him and begin to spend a lot of time worshiping, learning, and studying about God. Pleasing God becomes your number one priority.

When you make God number one, you will begin to love your wife and family more. The things you shouldn't be loving will not be loved by you anymore. You will be a better husband and father because you put God first. You cannot give your wife and children the love they need, unless you deeply love God.

The Bible says the God is love. He is the source of all love. When people go the great source of love, they begin to love others as they have never loved them before. Everyone wants more love. The world loves its love givers. To be a love giver you must go to God and love Him and make him number one in your life.

2.  Stop Using Language That Demonstrates Lack of Faith

Swearing is not the only language that demonstrates lack of faith. If I use God's name as a cuss word, it shows very obviously that I am not a person of faith. Other language shows lack of faith too.

Take the statement, "I never have any luck." It demonstrates lack of faith. It says God doesn't take care of me. It also says, I don't believe that God takes care of me, I believe in luck.

Take the statement, "Every thing I try to do turns to shit." Again you are saying that God does not take good care of you.

Take a complaint like, "Mom always treated my sister better than me." You are saying, God gave me a mother that does not treat me the way God wants me treated; therefore I can be angry with my mother and with God too for giving me this mother.

Being critical of someone shows lack of faith in that person. If that person is a person whom God loves, it could be wrong to be critical. If your criticism is to help them be the best person they can be, then maybe a little criticism will help. If your criticism is just to set the person straight, it probably shows lack of faith.

. Marriages are a place where blame and criticism can definitely show that we don't trust God to help us. Criticism shows that we trusted our mate, not God, and our mate let us down and our mate gets the criticism. In other words it shows lack of faith.

Stop using any words that show a lack of faith! Whether swear words or complaining words or criticizing words.

The second rule then is Do not use words that reflect a lack of faith in God!

3.  Take off Sundays, and Go to Church at Least Five Hours a Week

Church is truly__ re-creational. In the beginning God set aside one day a week for men to rest and to make contact with God. If we do not do that, we do not operate correctly. If we do not observe regular times for God, our systems will not function properly.

If indeed we are created beings. If indeed were created by God. If he remembers how he made us, He would be the one to go to when we have problems. If my car has serious problems, I know that the company that created it has manuals and knowledge to know what is wrong and fix it. Shade tree mechanics are not the ones to go to with serious problems. The one to go to is the creator. If the creator is God, we need to find his place of business and get fixed and receive regular maintenance. God has set up storefronts in this world so you can get your being serviced.

Church is a place where God is sought, and where God is found. Since human life is full of trouble and trial, it is essential that we find God, and find his answers to our problems. He, who created us, knows what is good and bad for us. If we can draw close to him and receive his direction, we can do a lot better with the problems we have. Yes, life is hard, but life is a lot harder if we try to live it alone. I do not want to walk through my troubles and trials alone. I can make it if God is with me. I can go to church and seek Him. I can go to church and seek the answers to my problems.

Church heals. We all need healing. We have hurts, pains, and scars from life. The church will help us heal properly. If I have been hurt by divorce, I can get the right kind of healing at church. Through tike teachings and support of the church. I can even come out of the bad situation as a better, more productive, more loving person. Without the teaching of the church, I might turn out bitter, angry, hateful, violent or even worse. I might turn out a drunk or a substance abuser. I might end up in jail.

Church instructs. When Jesus instructed his disciples, he said, "Feed my sheep." The main task of a church is to instruct. Church is like a big school where everyone learns.

Church draws us close to our creator. No one knows you like the creator. He knows what makes you purr along in life. He knows what drags you down and ruins you. He can give you a tune up when you need it and you will run like new again. Most of the connection you have with the creator is found in the church and the book from which the church teaches. The church is our connecting point to the one that made the sun and moon and stars. The church explains the meaning of God, of life, or our future and our hope

Church renews our weary souls. As we struggle with life's pressures we feel the need for renewal. People who attend church seem to be able to get their "battery charged" once a week. They seem to endure the hardness of this life. Many unchurched fall into bad habits and life ruining conduct, but those who wait on the Lord shall be renewed. The Bible says that they who have faith shall sour like eagles.

The third rule then is Go to church a lot.

4.  Seek the Advice and Teaching of Your Parents

No one knows you like your parents. They experienced, and have learned each of your personality traits. They have seen you in action for many years. They love you more than anyone ever will. They love you in spite of many mistakes you have made. They want the best for you. The love your spouse has for you can quickly fade away, but it takes much more for your parents to quit loving you.

Juveniles think of their parents as dumb. Some adults keep acting like juveniles. They think their parents are dumb and out of date. They don't seek nor follow the admonitions of their parents. If you have been acting like a juvenile, you are probably thinking that your parents advice is no good, or at least, out of date. Wise men and women listen to the counsel of their parents. "Honor your father and Mother that your days may be long upon the earth." were the words of the ancient prophet.

The forth rule then is Seek the counsel of your parents.

5.  Do Things to Lengthen and Improve the Lives of All You Touch

              This life is made up of units that help individuals to have a better life. Families, communities, churches, clubs, schools, have as a goal that life is lengthened and improved. The family is the basic unit that does this.

The dream of parents is that their children will have a better life than they have. It is not unusual for parents to sacrifice for their own children, providing them with things that will better and lengthen their lives. They provide food, health care, warm clothes, safe lodging and many other things to lengthen their lives.

In Bakersfield a few years ago, a mother was convicted and sent to prison because she let her baby starve to death. Parents are expected to care for their own and do things to make their life better and longer.

Great people are those who extend this loving care to others. Cain, who killed Able, did not think he was his brother^'s keeper. Jesus taught that all men are our brothers. "Greater love has no man than to lay down his life for his brother." Mother Teresa gave her life to help extend the lives of others. Men on the battlefield have gone there knowing that they may have to give their lives for their fellow Americans.

Yet many people are selfish. They want to think of their own feelings. Their day goes something like this: What do I want to wear? What do I want to eat? Where do I want to go tonight? Who do I want to go with? For many, - sacrifices are seldom made.

The basic organization most people belong to where sacrifices are made is the family. Other organizations can help as well. Some people choose to belong to a church where it is taught that we sacrifice for others. There are other organizations that ask for a sacrifice of time or money.

           People who wish to break up their marriage are people who no longer wish to sacrifice for their wife and children. They have let their spirit of selfishness override their spirit of sacrifice. They have abandoned those who need them badly so that they might "feel good." themselves.

            In Old Testament days, the heathen people sacrificed their children so as to appease their god and receive his blessing. Today people sacrifice their children for their own pleasure and feelings. Be careful that you do not do this. The bible speaks of condemnation for those who do harm to the "least of these."

             Children are the easiest people we can help. They are so accepting of love and care. Yet Jesus had to remind people to love them. Many adults need to be reminded today. In our churches, many adults ignore children. They send them off to their own department and seldom speak to any of the little noisemakers. The most tragic thing, however, is when parents ignore children so they can have their own life. Children can get by if the adults in a church forget about them. But children who are shuffled aside by their own father and mother will have it more difficult. Parents, make life better for those children!

The fifth rule then is

 Truly attempt, in some tangible way, to make life better for others.

6.  Refrain From any Sexual Contact Until You Are Sure God Wants You To Seek a Mate

Sexual activity, without the benefit of marriage, is very expensive. It always costs more than you want to pay. It always takes you further than you want to go. It always hurts more people than you wanted to hurt. It always   hurts for a longer time than you wanted to spend hurting.

These rules apply to pre-marital sex. They apply to affairs. They apply to sex among unmarried persons. They especially apply to divorced and separated people.

Let me tell you about a prosperous farmer I knew. A likable fellow, he began an affair. The woman with whom he was having the affair was wonderful. She knew how to love a man in every way. She could talk to him. She could sense his moods. She was fun to be with. Of course she was good in bed. She was the woman he "should have married."

The more he continued the affair with the woman, the more he became sure that he did not love his wife. In time, he became sure that he should not continue to live with someone he had no love for, so he told his wife the was in love with another woman.

His wife was hurt terribly. She had helped him since they were penniless newlyweds to gain his wealth. They had two children who did well in school. For the children's sake, the wife tried to bring him to his senses and salvage the marriage.

            The husband, however, was "happy for the first time in his life." He would not give up this feeling for anything. In the end there was a divorce.

It cost him more than he wanted to pay. The wife received her half. He had to borrow and scrape to pay her and was left with only part of the land.

What really cost was the love of his children. They never loved their dad the way they would have if he had remained. It not only cost him the love of the children but he did not get to see and be with his children as they grew and accomplished things. He traded his children for a woman... a woman of low morals.... a woman who would separate a man from his family.

It cost him the respect of the family friends. It cost him the respect of the small farming town he lived in.

It cost him the respect of his parents and his wife's parents, and all the uncles, cousins, and aunts. He thought that he could go to family functions with the new woman. He thought that all his friends and relatives should accept this woman as part of the family. They never did.

It took him further than he wanted to go. His confession to his wife included the old phrase: "It just happened. I never intended it to happen, it just happened."

All sexual activity, be it a one-night stand, or a prolonged affair always takes us farther than we wanted to go. Take the famous evangelist who was caught with a prostitute. He did not want it to go so far as to ruin his ministry, but it did. The world is full of families who have been hurt, and continue to be hurt by sexual affairs; premarital sex etc. The hurt of betrayal that a spouse and the children feel when a mate betrays cannot be expressed. The hurt goes on for years. For some, the hurt never stops. If I betray my wife and family, it will hurt worse and hurt longer than hurting them in any other way.

It would hurt worse and hurt longer than if I committed murder, treason, armed robbery or other malicious crimes.

This farmer found out that an affair always hurts more people than he wanted to hurt. He assumed that his old friends would continue to be good friends. They did not continue. He thought his friends wives would still have him over to eat, and that he could bring his "new friend." They didn't. He assumed that his relatives would stand behind his decision. They didn't.

The farmer just wanted to "be happy." "Don't I have the right to be happy?" is what he asked his parents who tried to talk to him. This is, by the way, a good question for all of us. Do we have the right to be happy if we cause so much unhappiness to so many people? No we don't! It is far better that one person is unhappy than the dozens that are unhappy when a spouse leaves.

"They will get over it," He told his wife when talking about the children. But they didn't. Oh, they survived. So did some at Hiroshima. We are programmed to go on. But when our father or mother betray us, it is not easy. This is because we expect that Mom and Dad will always be there for us. We don't want them to be the ones who drop the bomb on us.

When the farmer died the hurt had not quit. The kids were in their forties and fifties. There was still hurt when they had to sit in the family funeral room with the widow. She was his widow, but she was also the one who hid broken up their home and hurt their mother.

Had the farmer lived, he would have seen that the hurt continued even after his death. It always hurts for a longer time than you wanted to spend hurting.

This does not even take into consideration the personal hurt that the farmer had to go through. When we become betrayers we have to live with the shame. For some, the shame seems endless. Think for a long time before you betray your family. If you betray your family the shame will follow you to the grave, and when you are buried, those who you left behind will still know the shame.

Why should you wait to have sexual activity?

Sexual activity changes everything you do from that point on.

For instance say I am a single man. I want a little sex. A young lady seems willing to meet my needs. I enjoy her body. She assumes I want a deep relationship. I assure her a few encounters later that I do not. She goes away hurt. She may never trust men again. I have hurt her. I feel guilty, indeed I am guilty. I am less of a man because I hurt an innocent woman.

Now, you are a young lady. You give into sexual desires with a decent young man. After having sex with you he feels ownership. He becomes very possessive and bossy. You see that you have made a mistake, but it is too late to break it off without a lot of pain.

You cannot have sex with people without consequences. There are all sorts of things that happen to those who indulge in it without the benefit of commitment and marriage. Good never comes from extra-marital sex. If it did people would be teaching us to be promiscuous. No one thinks for a minute that anything but bad comes out of illicit sex. Why do people engage in it? To enjoy the pleasures of the flesh for a season. But after the orgasm, the pain begins. That always happens unless the parties are involved in the holy state of matrimony. Outside marriage sex brings pain. Inside marriage, sex brings blessings and  happiness.

Again remember what infidelity costs: Sexual activity, without the benefit of marriage, is very expensive. It always costs more than you want to pay. It always takes you further than you want to go. It always hurts more people than you wanted to hurt. It always hurts for a longer time than you wanted to spend hurting.

The sixth rule then is Refrain From any Sexual Contact Until You Are Sure God Wants You To Seek a Mate.

7.  Do not Grasp for Things Not Yours

It has been said that all sin is grasping for something that is not ours. Satan grasped for something. That something was to be equal with God. Indeed Adam's temptation to grasp the fruit was also his attempt to "be like God, knowing good and evil."

Name the sin! Sin is grasping for something that is not yours!

Adultery is grasping for a woman that is not yours.

Lying is grasping for a truth that does not belong to you.

Coveting is grasping for things that are not yours... Your neighbor's wife, his house, his ox, his field, or anything that is your neighbors.

Denying God is grasping to be like God.

Not honoring your parents is grasping for an independence that God did not intend to give you.

Murder is grasping for something that is not yours.

Stealing is grasping in the raw for things that God has not given you.

Cussing is grasping for the ability to curse things. Of course, the ability to actually curse things is not ours to have. It belongs to God only. We can say, "Damn that woman!^" But our curse has no power.  Cursing is a grasping for the power. God has the power. If he says "Damn that woman,^" she is in trouble.

Envy is grasping for what others have and being angry if you don't get it.

Lusting is grasping for sex that is not yours.

Use of alcohol and drugs is grasping for happiness that God has not given you. People use substances to take away pain and to give happiness. That is God's job. Read the bible. God is the one who gives happiness. God is the one who takes away pain. When we use substances, we are grasping for happiness without going to the source of happiness.

 

Practicing Homosexuality is grasping for something that is not yours. Sex is a gift of God to be used as He dⁱrected.

 

Vandalism and malicious mischief is obviously grasping for something that is not yours and destroying it.

Charging on your credit card if you don't have the money to pay the bill is grasping for merchandise that God has not given you.

Buying a car on credit, if it is more car than you can afford, is grasping for something you do not own.

Buying too expensive a home could be grasping for something you should not have.   Anger and vengeance is grasping for something that is not yours. "Vengeance is mine," saith the Lord. "Put away wrath and anger."

Name the sin. Sin is grasping for something you don't own, or something God has not given you.

It is especially important that if you find yourself single after being married that you do not grasp for companionship. Again, do not grasp for companionship! Now that you are single again, you will miss having a mate. You will want someone to talk to and go out with. Until God has given you permission for a new marriage it is better that you do not grasp for someone. If you grasp someone that God has not ordained for you there will be more pain to yourself and more people.

How can you tell when God wants you to find someone new?  First, your character will have improved to the point that you are more worthy of a mate. Secondly, your spiritual advisor will know it is time for you to look, and he will be able to offer suggestions on where you should look. Third, your parents also will know and be able to help you. Last, there will be gifted people within your church who can direct you.

Do not grasp for a new mate. All good things are given by God. Wait on God to provide a mate. In the meantime, continue to work on your character. The seventh rule then is Do not grasp for things that are not yet yours.

8.  Do Not Lie

People want the truth from their friends and relatives. People who lie are soon found out and not trusted. People who lie do not make good mates. People who lie do not make good friends. Once you lie to a mate, or friend, your relationship is forever harmed.

People can handle the truth better than lies. Even if the truth seems bad for awhile, it is something "laid on the table" that we can deal with. We cannot solve a problem that is filled with lies because any solution would be erroneous.

Example: I have a problem drinking. I drink six drinks every night before I go home. I lie saying I only had one drink. My wife doesn't know why I am sleepy when I come home after only one drink. I lie again telling her how hard I have to work. She begins to hate my boss for overworking me. I seem to have lost interest in sex, in reality I am just drunk. My wife begins to blame my boss for my being tired. A simple truth would have helped.

Example: I am a wife and impulsively spent half of the house payment. I do this occasionally. It is not right but I do. I tell him the bills are extra high this month. He gets angry at the gas and electric company. I take cash out with our Master Charge and try to make it up without him knowing, but eventually the bill gets too high and they sue. A simple truth would have helped at the start. The truth would have been that I shouldn't be handling the money.

The above examples actually happened. I could go on. You should get the point, however, that lying will hurt the relationship more than it will ever help. The eighth rule then is Tell no lies.

9.  Do Not Envy Others. Rejoice with Those who do well.

Never envy anyone. It will make you do things you shouldn't do. It will make you buy things you can't afford. It will make you tell lies to people so they will think you are as good as the ones you envy. Be happy with what God has provided you.

          You can spot a person who is envious because they cannot rejoice with those God has blessed. A lady at a church got a new Buick. All the people went out to see it and rejoiced with her. All except one lady. She wouldn't rejoice with the person who got the new car because she was envious.

         Years ago I bought a rental house from a Christian friend. I bought the house for $10,000 on terms. I paid $500 down and $100.00 a month. I had him paid down to $5,000.00 when the house burned. The insurance company paid me $20.000. I was afraid that when I went to him to endorse the check and pay him the $5,000 that he would be upset that I was profiting. Instead, he rejoiced with me. He was so happy that God had allowed me to make money on the house. He was praising God for me being blessed.

        We too should stop any envy and learn to rejoice when good things happen to other people.

The ninth rule then is Do Not Envy Others. Rejoice with Those who do well.

10.  Build Character

Most marital problems could be ha died if both parties to the marriage had high character. First, the vows would be taken more seriously. Secondly, the children would not be abandoned. Thirdly, bad habits would be given up and sacrifice and good morals would take their place.

Start building character today. Here are a few rules to start out with:

Definite Things to Do

·                       Start working on your character immediately.

·                  "Work on being more loving to everyone.

·                                               Love your neighbor as yourself.

·                       Get a good spiritual advisor!

·                       Everyone has a spiritual advisor. In a perfect marriage the  spouse is that advisor. You say, "I am not a spiritual person." "I am not a Christian." True, but you have spiritual problems. Let me name some spiritual problems:

1.    You are angry with a neighbor.

2.    You are at odds with a fellow employee.

3.    Your sister is going with a long haired unemployed something or other,

4.    Your mother in law doesn't like you.

These are all spiritual problems. Every religion talks about these problems. When you have them, who do you go to? Back before mothers worked, you would see a common scene. Little house coats with coffee cups attached would be seen going next door. Those house coats often held little mothers who needed some spiritual advice. Hopefully, the advice was good -But sometimes it wasn't.

A man I worked with trusted me. He came to me with his problems. I hope I gave-him good advice because he didn't go to church or read the bible. I was his sole spiritual advisor.

Another employee named Ralph got his spiritual advice from his drinking buddy. His buddy was one who liked to meet women at bars to have "fun." Ralph ended up divorced, though his "spiritual advisor" is still married. I didn't like the spiritual advice his "spiritual advisor" gave Ralph.

What I am saying to you is that you do have a spiritual advisor! If that spiritual advisor does not have good character you may be in trouble. You may be led astray. It might pay you to find a new spiritual advisor. Before I dedicated my life to Christ, I received spiritual advice from my drinking buddies on how to get along with my wife. They were my "spiritual advisors." They resented it when I began to seek advice from people in the church. Now my "spiritual advisors" are always Godly people.

·                       Memorize scripture.

·                       Make a commitment to God.

·                                               Love Him with all your heart.

·                                               Love Him with all your soul.

·                                               Love Him with all your mind.

·                                               Love Him with all your strength.

·                                               Have no other gods before Him.

·                                               Observe a day of worship.

·                       Clean up your language.

·                                               Avoid cursing.

·                                               Avoid negative talk.

·                                               Avoid gossip and backbiting.